bbailey:

Vietnamese food should be called “vietNOMS”

My wife just whispered in my ear, “You know what’s really dirty?”. I whispered back, “The dishes. Now get the fuck back to the kitchen”.

M: *puts phone in her bra*

J: That makes your boob look bigger, but now they’re really lopsided…

M: Haha, what if I just stuffed my bra with electronics? Someone is going to take my bra off one day, and I’m just going to have electronics falling out.